IT WAS 6 AM.
I WAS THE CHARGE NURSE ON NIGHTS. AS THE REST OF MY COLLEAGUES SCRAMBLED TO FINISH THE LAST OF OUR DUTIES, I SAW THE CALL BELL LIGHT FLASHING.
I RELUCTANTLY ANSWERED THE CALL ONLY TO FIND BLOOD. SPOUTING EVERYWHERE.
I thought, “It’s finally happened. The cancer has finally eroded this poor woman’s carotid!”
But that wasn’t all.
Over the next few weeks, I became plagued. Afflicted with this newly awakened sensitivity and susceptibility. Things that had never bothered me before: the (foul) odour of gastric fluid; witnessing a visitor’s baby seizing.
They became these insurmountable, grotesque monsters that I couldn’t stop myself from feeling.
Panic attack, after panic attack, after panic attack, quickly assaulted me. You can’t stay at this job, Rana. You can’t live like this. Leave, now.
That was the first time I had any understanding of what my awareness is. What it means to feel IN your body.
So, I left. I left a career of seeming stability as a registered nurse to go on “medical leave”. I couldn’t pretend not to feel things anymore. I needed help.
I caught up on sleep. I took my doctor’s suggestion to go on antidepressants.
So, I took my meds, even though that was such a hard pill to swallow.
Over the next month though, things started to go haywire. My heart raced so fast, I couldn’t drink even 1 cup of coffee. I had this sudden burst of energy. Talking to strangers became easier than ever. I had a flood of ideas about everything: my life, my future, my mission. Sounds great, right?!
And then one day, it all came tumbling down. I got paranoid and agitated when a storekeeper “told me my fortune.” I stumbled around a neighbourhood seeing in vivid detail the wreaths that adorned the front doors. I firmly believed – and felt – as though I had an ectopic pregnancy. My friend drove me to the hospital, where I felt as though my body was going into labour.
Less than a week later, I learned that I had bipolar disorder. That was full blown mania, with a touch of psychosis. I was relieved. I mean, I’m just like Catherine Zeta Jones, for Christ’s sake!
And then, something felt wrong. My body was swollen. So swollen, it hurt to move. I couldn’t exercise without feeling as though my skin would stretch so far, it would break. And then, the darkness set in. True depression.
I. Couldn’t. Feel. Anything.
It took so much to do so little. Getting dressed, taking a shower, going to school…these all became hurdles. It took so much out of me to complete these tasks, that my evenings were spent laying in bed, watching Netflix and eating pizza.
One day, I had enough. I talked to my psychiatrist. I told him I couldn’t live like this anymore. Please put me on something, even if it’s another antidepressant!
Nothing changed for me, until I decided to look for help beyond what my medications could offer me.
And boy, did I find it!
AND, I can help you too.
My name is Rana Abdelkarim.
I am a Reiki & Subconscious Imprinting Practitioner
And I want you to know that as impossible as it may seem right now, there's always a way.
I know what it’s like to live with so much pain, you can’t see beyond it.
And I also know that with my support and guidance, and your commitment, you CAN move beyond it.
Stop surviving. Start THRIVING.